history repeating

have you gone through life with a strong sense of déjà vu thinking, this is not happening again.

we go through the same thinking processes make the same decisions and finally we make the same mistakes. learn from your mistakes? that only applies to the young and the very determined. we cannot change who we are or how we function. the layout of our brains has long been hardwired. it would take massive brainwashing from a doomsday cult or perhaps a complete shock to the system to change the way we are.

i don't change. i can't change. i've known that of myself for a long time. i can accommodate, i can adapt. certain things bring out certain aspects of myself but it is still me. i'm always me.

when i was living in all the various parts of the world, i did exactly the same things that i would have done in singapore. i set resolutions to stop drinking, to exercise more, to be more outgoing (essential when you're a stranger in a strange land). in the end, i was always attracted to the same type of friends, did the same activities and never exercised enough to have a healthy heart.

none of my resolutions ever last and i revert to my true self with the passing of time. and i make the same mistakes. over and over again.

this is not happening again.

i ask myself if things were as what i wanted and what i could do to get out of this trap. for it is a trap: it is a groundhog day without any chance of improvements.

i've seen it before, and i'll see it again. just a li'l piece of history repeating...

stop now, stop.