just because...

back on the chain gang

i am 20 years late, i know. but for the past year or so, i've been rediscovering the music of the 80s.

there was so much good stuff from that era. even though i'd gone through it once myself, albeit at a tender young age, there were some great songs that i'd missed that first time around.

most of them, i already know. for some, i knew only a few songs from the artiste or band. for others, i didn't have the money to buy their cassettes. (yes! cassettes!) we only had radio 1 that catered to everyone's needs and the diabolical zoo 101.6 from indonesia (??). Diabolical because the music was fantastic but the reception was tortuously fuzzy when the wind blew the wrong direction.

anyway, the 80s was a busy time for a young teenager interested in music. i was into heavy metal and chinese songs and everything in between. i mourned when wham! broke up. aha's take on me music video fascinated me. i had an innocent discussion with a classmate on the lyrics of pet shop boy's rent. i was overwhelmed by the dark moods of depeche mode. i thought the lead singer from skid row was sexy and we all laughed at girls who were in love with the backstreet boys.

i went to my friend's church and watched with agitation as the zealous threw hundreds of heavy metal tapes into the bonfire. i had considered joining the church to get my hands on these tapes, hmmm, the heat from the fire must have made me dizzy.

i made tapes recorded from the radio, often with the voice of the DJ cutting into the final notes of the songs. i went everywhere with my walkman and headphones. i remember every song from the grammy awards 1983 casette. it is still my favourite grammy awards collection.

then came other stations like perfect 10, class 95 and power98. suddenly there were too many choices. and then the 90s came rushing in, carried along by the momentum of the 80s. but music started becoming a circus of the one hit wonders, run-of-the-mill boy bands, repetitive dance music and uninspired lyrics.

i turned instead to the timeless genre of jazz, classical music and world music. we didn't have a good jazz radio station in singapore, we still don't and i miss the 89.9 jazz station in paris... but i could afford CDs then and i bought everything i saw that had an interesting cover. there is so much music in the world, that i wish my ears are bigger.

but always, i always have music playing somewhere in the background or on the earphones. what type of music do i listen to now? it depends on my mood. but sometimes i wonder if i chose my music based on my mood or if i'd let the music decide my mood for me. anyway, we are inseparable - i am surrounded by music.

now with mp3s, music sharing becomes all too easy. pluck in the removable hard disk and simply drag-and-drop. last week, i had rediscovered the pretenders. there is something exciting about listening to half familiar songs that had been lurking just at the edge of my consciousness all these while. now they are awaken and i am lost in the mellow honey of chrissie hynde's voice.

i am 20 years late, i know, but it's never too late for good music.

mirror

these men, they keep sms-ing me. that was her way of apology for her ping-pong of text messages throughout our lunch. she then proceeded to tell me the things she didn't like about them: the bulgarian one, the indian one, the american one and i wasn't paying attention, but i think there was one or two from singapore. i lost track.

i asked her why she bothered replying if she found them irritating. why, even, did she give them her phone number in the first place.

should i give them a fake number instead? her eyes widened at the thought of doing something so cheeky.

just say no and ignore them. no, she would feel guilty. no, she would feel bad. secretly, i'm sure that she thrives on these encounters, on their attention. why not? she is single, very attractive and furthermore, a damsel in distress type that sends egoistic men in throes of desire.

there is nothing wrong with a little harmless flirtation. but i wish she'd put away all that false pretense about "those irritating men". she should see the little smile of satisfaction on her face whenever her phone beeped. it is clear to everyone around her that she enjoys their attention.

the only person she is deceiving is herself.

**********

i try to be true to my nature. i try to see the world with clear unbiased eyes but how much of what i see is tainted by my own prejudices? and on the hand, how much of what others see in me is tainted? when i look in the mirror, do i see myself as how the others see me?

they say that there are 3 versions of history: your version, my version and what really happened. there are as many possible versions as there are witnesses, if not more. which is the truth? which do we believe in? the person who shouts the loudest or the person who wrote the history books... or neither?

and who am i? does the true version of who i am exist solely in my mind? or is the true version the projected image that is seen and reinforced by others around me?

who am i, really?

reincarnation

i'm not a very religious person, neither am i a skeptic. the term sleeping buddhist would be an apt description for how spiritual i am. i am attracted by the theology of karma and the concept of what goes around comes around.

treat the people around you in the way that you want them to treat you back. it makes good sense to me, don't you agree?

however, what i like most is the whole reincarnation idea - that our spirits come back to the world of the living in another body after our time in this body has ended. i'd like to believe that if i am a good person in this life, i would have a better quality of life next time around. maybe in terms better luck or better circumstances, or maybe even to be purer in thought and kinder in deed. frankly, i wouldn't mind coming back in the body of a super model either.

it's comforting to believe that the fruits of my good deeds or kindness would be reaped at a much later point in time.

the flip side, of course, is that a cruel person or an evildoer would be sent back to suffer in the next life as penance. nobody likes to be punished, certainly not i. but at the same time, it is a chance to make amends for previous wrongdoings, to restore equilibrium in the world. but of course since we don't remember our previous lives, we are actually being penalised for something that we don't remember committing. but as they say, such is life.

but what if reincarnation doesn't exist? what if it doesn't matter what you do or say in this life because there is no light at the end of the tunnel? what if all that is waiting for us is dark oblivion?

how would one make amends for past mistakes, then?

job wanted

i'm looking for a project-based job that is cross-functional and demands strategic thinking. i should have autonomy to execute my decisions independently but at the same time the nature of the job should be highly interactive.

this job should include a responsive competent manager and a proactive team that can move fast when needed. the job scope should be international in nature and must challenge my intellect.

ideally, the company should be socially responsible.

my advancements in career should, in no way, be cumbered by the fact that i am a woman, that i am ethnically chinese or by my nationality.

interested companies please send your detailed job descriptions and company profiles to my email address.

companies who are unable to give a competitive pay and benefits package need not apply.

happy together

every couple of months, my work computer prompts me for a new password.

after the 4th time that i had to come with an original easy to remember password, i decided to use phrases that reflects things that are happening to my life. so when i was prompted for a new password a few days before the arrival of the boyfriend in july, i used reunitedatlast. 2 months later, in the midst of him adjusting to his brand new life in singapore, it was tryinghard. last week, i was prompted again. i took my new password from a wong kar wai movie, happytogether.

i wonder what my next password will be, in 2 months' time?

baby lion comes home

up until university, i followed the straight path that was plotted for me when they issued my birth certificate. i went to the best schools, excelled in sports, had a healthy social life.

i did my best in everything, like how we were taught to do and landed on a good job just before the asian financial crisis. a few years down the line, i looked at what awaited me: marriage with my university sweetheart, apply for a HDB flat and then kids for the grandparents to babysit while i work hard towards that collection of Cs: car, condo, credit card, country club, i don't even remember the rest of the list.

i felt claustrophobic. i jammed the brakes and asked myself:

was that what i had done my best for? was that what i aspire to have?

when i stepped on the accelerator again, it was to speed away from the chosen path, away as fast as i could.

a few years spent here, a few years spent there. and now, a year in singapore.

yes, i've been back in singapore for a year now.

after 6 years away, everything had changed and yet nothing was different. the reasons why i had decided to leave, back in 2001, came rushing back at me. claustrophobia put her arm around my shoulders, "i've been waiting for you to come back."

i tried to fight everything at the same time. i struggled hard to retain my sense of self. and i lost. i hated being back in this humid little island and all i could think about was to get away again.

but now, i have finally found my place back in singapore life. the university sweetheart has married someone else, and i am a co-owner of my parents' HDB flat. no kids but the cat keeps my parents sufficiently entertained. i am not a part of the mad rat race for the Cs though i confess to having 3 credit cards to my name.

more importantly, i no longer feel the pressure to conform to society norms (as long as i avoid the relatives during chinese new year). and i have started thinking that perhaps singapore isn't such a bad place to live in. i'm not a second class citizen, dependent on the whims of a valid work permit. i don't have to pay exorbitant taxes to an ailing government nor do i need to pay rent anymore.

no more struggling with exotic languages and strange customs. i converse easily with everyone around me: on the bus, in the lifts and on the streets. i am one of them - no - i am one of us.

london, i still enjoy; paris still has a big place in my heart. but i have found my peace with singapore. it has been a long journey. perhaps, at last, this daughter of the lion city has truly come home.