and...

... will i see the world differently?

one in a million

in a while, i will go for my lasik procedure. it's not an operation, they call it a procedure these days. blade free and everything automated. the chances of things going badly is one in a million. same chances as striking the lottery. or winning a lucky draw.

a friend once told me that he didn't believe in winning lucky draws. we were having dinner, and the restaurant gave us entry forms to their lucky draw. he didn't believe in his chances of winning and so didn't submit the entry forms. instead of having a one in a million chance of winning, he gave himself none.

in a while, i will go for my lasik procedure. having worn specs since i was 10, i have forgotten the sweet liberty of a life unencumbered by contact lenses and spectacles. i have to give myself a chance for perfect eyesight. and hope that the one in a million chance of something going wrong will not fall on me.

*fingers crossed*

anxiety

my dreams, i never remember them, not even the wipsy fragments floating on the wake as sleep speedily departs. in the absence of midnight stories, of exotic fantasies or vibrant imageries, i assumed that sleep enveloped me thoroughly in my cocoon of silent darkness. i assumed that i don't dream.

i started having nightmares a few days ago, after i got back from my business trip.

the first consisted of rainbows and waterfalls.
the second was of dinner and the conversation around it.
the third, was a girl handing out hors d'oeuvre made of boiled spinach.

innocent dreams? i have no explanation for the intense feeling of horror that overtook me as these dreams unfolded. i wake up feeling anxious.

unexplainably anxious.

do you drink?

hello, i'm waiting for you at the hotel lobby.

after a brief slightly awkward introduction, we headed off for lunch. as i was in tokyo alone, a kindly friend had asked her japanese friend to come meet me. i hated eating alone but had since gotten used to it.

still, some company was preferred.

french food was suggested - i didn't mind, all i wanted was to get out of the hotel and into the beautiful day outside. we went to a creperie.

it was crowded. but we had called ahead and a table was waiting for us in a nice quiet corner. it looked like a very trendy place to spend the afternoon.

as we weaved through the small tables placed too close to each other, my new friend turned around and asked:

do you drink?

i could tell, this was going to be a wonderful day.

for you

milk

milk.
that was all i could think of this afternoon.

let me rewind a little, explain from the beginning.

i made a day trip to hakona, the hot spring spa town in the mt fuji area. it was a sweltering day. i wore minimal clothes from my suitcase: a loose blouse with spaghetti straps and linen cut-offs. might as well try to get a tan while roaming around the mountains, i thought.

apparently i was the only one with this in mind.

the japanese women were decked out in long-sleeved shirts and hats. and umbrellas. those who had short-sleeve tops were wearing gloves, i'm not kidding, gloves. those long opera ones that reach the elbows. even young girls who wore shorts had socks all the way up their thighs. socks with shorts and high heels? someone please lock them up! alas, they're safe. the fashion police is hiding in the shade. even they didn't want to risk a tan by venturing outside.

how could they stand the heat? they must be cooking under all those layers. slow cooked like white fish wrapped in aluminuim foil in a hot oven, the way jamie oliver used to do. just looking at them made me perspire even more. *shudder*

in the onsen hot spring spa this afternoon, i gaped at the fruits of their pain and endurance. all of them had milky smooth unblemished skin.

milk. milk and 2 bacci chocolates.
that was all i could think of this afternoon.

groundhog day

if today was groundhog day, i would not have worn my brown suit. because i would have known that the button would pop out exactly 5 minutes 32 seconds after i left the hotel. then i wouldn't need to walk back to the hotel and change into my black suit. and be late for work. and no, it wasn't because i had put on weight. no!

if today was groundhog day, i would have told my project manager to go stuff the powerpoint files up his... *ahem*... nostrils when he asked me to print a copy of everything for "the meeting in an hour's time". i was not a secretary. and i cared not for that meeting in an hour's time.

actually if today was groundhog day, i would have just stayed in bed until i felt ready to face the world...

no, if today was groundhog day, i would have woken up at the crack of dawn to practise an hour of yoga before going back to bed. and then staying in bed until i felt ready to face the world.

if today was groundhog day, i would have left the office earlier. because by the time i reached the steak restaurant, and i had been craving so badly for a steak, it had already stopped dinner service. *rumbling stomach*

if today was groundhog day, i would have whispered "i love you" to you with all my heart.

but today wasn't groundhog day. and frankly, i am really glad not to go through this awful day again.

water torture

the incessant water drip *drip* dripping *drip* drips on my head. just when i thought it was going to stop, another drop.

*drip*

half mad with helplessness, i am. eaten away like a boulder by the river, a cliff by the sea. slowly, tortuously and incessantly. when is the end?

*drip*

stop please.

*drip*

stop, i say.

*drip*

stop.




*drip*

coconut

coconut? yes i like the sound of it. why not?
i have a feeling it's going to be an important beginning to something amazing and wonderful... in 1001 different ways...

silenced

while sitting at the bus stop last night, a jogger went past me singing under his breath. he had a nice voice.

looking at his departing figure, i though: how wonderful that he can combine these 2 activities that he clearly enjoyed. it was only then when i realised that there is no music playing in my head. no tune winding round and round everything as i go about in my life. not anymore.

well, i am not musically talented and can't sing to save my life, but i love listening to all kinds of music. in fact, i go through phases of near obsession with a song for months. i usually have a tune in my head, something that matches my general mood. in an indulgent mood, i would hum tunelessly as i go about with my daily life.

but silence had crept in and taken over without my noticing. when did that happen?

i should head out and pick up a few good CDs, find a new tune that can wrap itself around me and everything that i do.

listened to any good songs lately?

hide

heart thumping like a half-crazed drummer, i hid under the bed. a dark shadow noiselessly flitted past, searching for me, no doubt. please don't like the blood sucker find me, i whispered a silent prayer. i tried to slow down my nervous panting, or at least to breathe quietly.

was the coast clear?

i crept slowly towards the exit doorway, keeping a watchful eye for the hateful creature. my feet felt like cold lead. there was light coming under the door... freedom beckoned.

there was a whisper of a noise to my left.

i froze. after what felt like an eternity, i continued my slow torturous escape. the urge to run, to flee was overpowering.

just a few more steps and i would be free...

i reached for the door the same time that the cold hands of the blood sucker grabbed my shoulders.

*game over*

it's time to file my french taxes.

we've met before

friend from paris was in town, and we had arranged to meet for dinner on friday. in tow with him, was a friend of his who also happened to be in singapore for a seminar.

hello!
i introduced myself to the stranger.

hello, how are you? actually i know you already, we've met before.
he replied with a smile.

really? have we?
i studied his face carefully. was there hurt in his eyes that i didn't remember? has my illustrious past finally caught up with me?

yes, it was at your place.

my place??? i panicked for a split second before placing his name: he was at my party 2 years ago. he looked very young then, different from the nice-looking man standing in front of me now.

i heaved a sigh of relief - didn't fancy spending the evening with a spurned lover, forgotten long ago. honestly, i am better behaved these days...